Resolved to Cling

It is so hard to believe the year 2013 is soon to be coming to a close.  Naturally, the end of a year is a time where many of us sit back and reflect on both the good and the bad of the past 365 days of life.

When I think about the things I have experienced this past year and the circumstances surrounding those I love, it is so easy to be overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed, even overcome, by evil.

Death, divorce, financial ruin, singleness, natural disasters, injustice, illness, poverty, disease...and the list could go on and on.

Suffering comes in so many different forms throughout our lives.  

For our family these past few years, it has come in the form of infertility.

And now our suffering is subsiding in many ways and in some ways beginning to come in an exciting, painful, joyful, different form... 

The journey towards adoption.

It warms my soul and makes my heart skip a beat to think of what this journey is going to bring.  Literally, since our first conversation as love struck teenagers we have dreamed of that moment that God would place a lonely child in our arms and we would stare into their eyes and call them our own.

But wow is reality setting in.  

While we certainly still anticipate that moment with great joy, we are realizing this journey is going to be tough and not for the faint of heart.

Just a few weeks ago, our hearts swelled with joy to learn of an infant soon to be born that could be ours.  For a few days, it seemed like a "sure" thing.  We didn't tell many people, just a few close family and friends.  Their reactions were so precious, so loving, so sincere.  Hugging us, crying with us, rejoicing in this amazing possibility.

And then as quickly as the opportunity came, it was gone.

The reason why it didn't work out is unimportant, but sufficient to say it was an emotional rollercoaster I did not feel at all prepared to deal with.  I mean seriously, who is ever prepared to deal with these kinds of things?

Never had I so quickly seen God move.

He gave.

And He took away.

Those moments when He takes away can feel like a punch to the gut.  I was frozen for a few days.  We had already paid for an expedited home study, already hired a lawyer, and for what???

Initially, I felt like such a fool.  Everyone kept telling me and I even kept telling myself, "Caitlin, guard your heart.  Don't get your hopes up.  Don't fall in love with this baby."

Was it a mistake to rejoice in this child?  To pray for the right doors to open and the wrongs doors to be closed?  To love so deeply something that was so unsure to begin with?

After a few frozen days, tears of joy followed by tears of sorrow, that still small voice came to me again with such mercy and grace.

"Love must be sincere.  Hate what is evil, cling to what is good."
Romans 12:9

CLING.

That's the solution.  That's the answer.  That's the only way.

Cling to what is good.  Hold tight to, adhere to, embrace, cleave to what is good.

When I think of clinging, I think of all the things that try to rip us away from what is good.  

For me the journey to motherhood has tried to rip me away from what is good.  At times, it has filled me with jealousy, anger, selfishness, bitterness, and pain that up until this point in my life I was extremely blessed to never have felt before. 

As much as we all want to hope good things for 2014, the truth is not a single one of us knows what will come our way this year.  

But we all have one thing we must be resolved to do, no matter what circumstances may come our way.

Cling to what is good.

What that looks like in each of our lives may be different.  

For our family, what that looks like is continuing to put one foot in front of the other, continuing to struggle through this with humility and vulnerability and sincere cries of help to the Lord and to those around us, at this moment going a little crazy finishing an expedited home study, and then prayerfully waiting to see what God will do.

And I think for all of us, part of clinging to what is good means remembering that sincere love is a never mistake.  

Yes, of course, the deeper we love, the deeper we open ourselves up for pain and struggle and hurt.  

But it's worth it.  It's so very worth it.

The one common denominator I have grasped from the countless women I have cried with who have shared in one way or another this struggle towards motherhood is that they do not regret a single thing.

How is that possible?

Because they followed the example of the One who was found clinging to goodness so tightly that it literally killed him.  

And why did He let it kill him?

"For the joy set before him, he endured the cross..." 
Hebrews 12:2a

He knew there was a joy coming that would make it all so worth it.

And what was that joy set before him?

"....[sitting] down at the right hand of the throne of God." 
Hebrews 12:2b

Being ushered into the presence of the faithful one himself.  Redeeming a people for himself.  Adopting children who would forever be called his own.  

We are resolved to cling to goodness because we know the ultimate goodness of eternity in His presence, thanks to the cross, is the one thing in our lives that is guaranteed.

So, as we continue to journey on towards parenthood, please pray for us, think about us, challenge us to love deeply, and along with us cling to what is good.  Don't let evil and sin and suffering pry goodness away, but cling to it tightly, every moment, no matter the cost, until the goodness of God brings us adopted children to our ultimate home.