Nine months ago. The time it takes for a baby to be knit together in the womb. Nine months ago we announced that we were beginning our journey towards adopting again.
Little did we know at that time the next nine months much more than a baby would grow.
I can honestly look back nine months ago and say I am not the same.
In the past nine months, our family has endured the death of a dear family friend, hospitalizations, divorce, a hurricane, the death of a grandparent, and a family literally ripped apart by abuse, secrets, lies, and lawsuits. In the past year we have "almost" adopted five times, all in various stages of the process.
But of all these sufferings, I can say the most painful one of all, for both myself and my husband, is processing the abuse he endured as a child. The hardest thing of all has been trying to fathom how a father can not only reject, but purposefully inflict harm, on his own flesh and blood. How a father can inflict such deep scars that even as a 31 year old man the pain can bring him to his knees.
As I sat in the room with my own mother watching her father breath through his last days on this earth this past summer, I was struck once again by the importance of the bond between parents and children. The family sat with him as he passed and all the tears were ones of sheer gratitude for the moments we had earthside with him. A few weeks later at my precious Grandpa's funeral, my Uncle rightly said it was his first blessing on this earth to be born his son.
The juxtaposition of my Grandpa's passing and my husband's deep emotional struggling with the rejection of his own father was and is hard to bear. As much as it was my mother's blessing to be born to a father who loved her deeply, was it my husband's curse to be born to a father who wounded him deeply?
As much as we like to say all suffering is on equal levels, I do not believe that is true.
Did you know the only time religion is described by God as pure and faultless is when it is involves looking after orphans in their distress? (James 1:27) Did you know that God describes himself as a father to the fatherless and receiver of those forsaken by their parents? (Psalm 27:10) Did you know that when God tells us to seek justice he tells us also to take up the cause of the fatherless? (Isaiah 1:17)
Emotional and physical orphans suffer something those of us born or adopted into imperfect-but-yet-loving families can never truly understand.
I will never know what it's like to suffer the loss that my husband has.
I will never know what it's like to have a memory of every holiday, every school event, every family function involve also a memory of indescribable pain over words said, actions taken, and people not there.
As deeply as I love him as his wife, I think I have finally learned that my love for him will never erase the pain of his past.
His panic attacks over being abandoned or seriously sick or dying are not because he is weak but because he has survived what most others do not survive. His body is still learning another way after his first panic attack at the age of 2 when his fears of being abandoned or seriously sick or dying were not just fears but realities.
His memories of incredibly difficult holidays will not be erased and replaced with happy ones just because I love him and his child loves him and other family members love him.
His relationship with God will always be a wrestle to find His presence in the dark days of his childhood, especially with his more recent knowledge that many adults, even believers, knew of his abuse and chose to remain silent.
But man I have seen God's healing in him in ways I never knew even possible. And he has taught me one of the most important lessons of my life.
Sorrow and joy can occupy the same space.
They can. They do. And the sorrow often makes the joy even more intense, if we learn to make space for it.
The sorrow of his childhood memories truly give him a deeper joy of the memories we are making with our precious daughter now. The estranged relationship he has with his own father and others in his family who have chosen to reject him, literally on the basis of who he is, makes him appreciate his family who do love and protect and support him all the more. The rejection of his father has somehow divinely made him truly the most devoted and loving father on the planet.
The other day we were driving home from a sweet night just the three of us at the beach and we truly thought our daughter Liberty was asleep. We were quietly chatting about the sunset and the joy we have in time shared, when suddenly Liberty spoke from her half-slumber in the back seat.
"Daddy and Mommy, I feel safe with you."
Oh the sorrow and joy in that moment.
Sorrow because that is what my husband so longed for as a child and never had.
And immeasurable joy because that is what he is now giving to our dear sweet Liberty.
If you come from a childhood that was marked by rejection and abuse, words cannot adequately express how sorry I am for what you have endured. Tears cloud my eyes now even as I write this because I cannot imagine the havoc is has wreaked on your life. Yet if you're reading this, you've survived and my guess is you, like my husband, are not repeating those same cycles. Be gracious to yourself. You are not weak because you still carry scars, you are a special breed of strong and no doubt God will use you to give comfort to others that you yourself have received from Him.
If you love someone who comes from a childhood that was marked by rejection and abuse, don't do like I did for years and try to fix it. Listen, intently. Try to understand but also in humility realize that you will never fully understand. Do not let your inability to understand hinder the fierceness of your love.
If you come from a childhood that was marked by unconditional love, get on your knees right now. Seriously, do it. Thank God for such an undeserved gift and pray that God will use you to encourage the broken hearted, to take up the cause of the fatherless, and to look after the orphans in their distress.
So for now, as far as our second adoption is concerned, we wait.
But we wait with expectation.
We wait with great anticipation of whatever else God will birth in us as our next baby is knit together and cast upon Him.
We wait knowing He is always the one who is responsible for the doing.
And we wait knowing that with all this suffering in between, this is going to be once again one very loved, and of course stinking adorable, little gift from above. <3
Thursday, October 5, 2017
The Best $4, Bedtime Questions, & Millie Secret
Four months ago we announced that we were starting our journey towards our second adoption since then God has been moving majorly on the fundraising end!
We have been blown away by the generosity of family, friends, and strangers. In less than five months we have raised over $11,000! It is humbling to share such a huge need and even more humbling to watch it be met one dollar at a time. Literally every time we have felt a wave of discouragement rush over us in this season of life, God has provided another dollar in an unexpected way.
Perhaps the best $4, in my opinion, came from our sweet nieces. They wanted to give their entire weeks' allowances to help bring their baby cousin home. Their giving came completely from their hearts, as we know has been true of every person who has given. So sincerely...thank you.
As exciting as our financial update is, the other update it not so exciting as of yet. Essentially with the match process side of things there is no update at this time.
It could be tomorrow or it could be next year. This is one of the hardest parts of adoption: the totally undetermined wait time.
Our little darling Liberty really wants to be a big sister. Some days it's in the back of her mind but it seems often at bedtime the questions roll in. We pray. We dream. We ask God to do big things and hold her little brother or sister in the palm of his hands. And then her inevitable question comes..."When is God going to bring my little brother or baby sister?"
When. The dreaded question of when that every waiting adoptive parent wishes they could answer.
As a Mom, it bothers me to my core sometimes that I cannot give her an answer like biological parents can. No "due" date, no definitive answer, no end period of her waiting.
Things have been hard around here the past few months on a few different fronts and it's been hitting me even this week how grateful I am that God is teaching her to ask this question at such a young age.
How often do we all cry out to God asking "How long oh Lord?"
How long will I wait? How long will I suffer? How long will I not understand?
Though it's hard to hear her ask this question I'm realizing I DO have an answer.
No, we don't know how long. But we DO know HOW God will answer.
He will answer in faithfulness. He will answer in grace. He will answer in love and in a way that can ONLY point back to him.
I was reminded of this a few weeks ago on Mother's Day by my mother and a little doll named Millie Secret.
When I was three years old my Grandma decided to hand stitch me a doll. She wanted to carefully stitch it together, embroidering each little finger and toe with love, making it so special that I might want to pass it on to my girls someday. She let me look through catalog after catalog of dolls and handpick the one I wanted to be Mommy to.
Well wouldn't you know little three year old me listened to the whisperings of God on my heart and 26 years later planned the moment that little three year old daughter of mine would be handed that doll and be tickled to pieces that Mommy's doll looks just like her: Dark skin, dimples, and curls.
Millie Secret has reminded my heart yet again of our God of details, our God who knows us and forms and births in us desires that we cannot even begin to comprehend.
Even in the desert we all lack no good thing. Even in the shadows there is a dawning of light. We may not know when but we do know how. And that's the reality that we live in, though many things try to convince us otherwise.
So for now we pray. We wait. Not because God is inactive but because HE is the one always acting on our behalf.
God's not done with your story and He's certainly not done with ours either. Thank you again for being a part of THIS baby's story. We don't know when they will come, but we know how they will come, through God's power and wrapped in love by people like all of you.
We have been blown away by the generosity of family, friends, and strangers. In less than five months we have raised over $11,000! It is humbling to share such a huge need and even more humbling to watch it be met one dollar at a time. Literally every time we have felt a wave of discouragement rush over us in this season of life, God has provided another dollar in an unexpected way.
Perhaps the best $4, in my opinion, came from our sweet nieces. They wanted to give their entire weeks' allowances to help bring their baby cousin home. Their giving came completely from their hearts, as we know has been true of every person who has given. So sincerely...thank you.
As exciting as our financial update is, the other update it not so exciting as of yet. Essentially with the match process side of things there is no update at this time.
It could be tomorrow or it could be next year. This is one of the hardest parts of adoption: the totally undetermined wait time.
Our little darling Liberty really wants to be a big sister. Some days it's in the back of her mind but it seems often at bedtime the questions roll in. We pray. We dream. We ask God to do big things and hold her little brother or sister in the palm of his hands. And then her inevitable question comes..."When is God going to bring my little brother or baby sister?"
When. The dreaded question of when that every waiting adoptive parent wishes they could answer.
As a Mom, it bothers me to my core sometimes that I cannot give her an answer like biological parents can. No "due" date, no definitive answer, no end period of her waiting.
Things have been hard around here the past few months on a few different fronts and it's been hitting me even this week how grateful I am that God is teaching her to ask this question at such a young age.
How often do we all cry out to God asking "How long oh Lord?"
How long will I wait? How long will I suffer? How long will I not understand?
Though it's hard to hear her ask this question I'm realizing I DO have an answer.
No, we don't know how long. But we DO know HOW God will answer.
He will answer in faithfulness. He will answer in grace. He will answer in love and in a way that can ONLY point back to him.
I was reminded of this a few weeks ago on Mother's Day by my mother and a little doll named Millie Secret.
When I was three years old my Grandma decided to hand stitch me a doll. She wanted to carefully stitch it together, embroidering each little finger and toe with love, making it so special that I might want to pass it on to my girls someday. She let me look through catalog after catalog of dolls and handpick the one I wanted to be Mommy to.
Well wouldn't you know little three year old me listened to the whisperings of God on my heart and 26 years later planned the moment that little three year old daughter of mine would be handed that doll and be tickled to pieces that Mommy's doll looks just like her: Dark skin, dimples, and curls.
Millie Secret has reminded my heart yet again of our God of details, our God who knows us and forms and births in us desires that we cannot even begin to comprehend.
Even in the desert we all lack no good thing. Even in the shadows there is a dawning of light. We may not know when but we do know how. And that's the reality that we live in, though many things try to convince us otherwise.
So for now we pray. We wait. Not because God is inactive but because HE is the one always acting on our behalf.
God's not done with your story and He's certainly not done with ours either. Thank you again for being a part of THIS baby's story. We don't know when they will come, but we know how they will come, through God's power and wrapped in love by people like all of you.
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