Before becoming a mommy myself, I would often hear mothers throw out some secret term that clearly meant something intense in their world, some phraseology universal to all those who had children they called their own, some dreaded, all too familiar emotion that carried them on some hormonal rampage that their men just did not get.
Mom-guilt.
That was the term. That was the phrase they whispered under their breathes to each other and mumbled about in their play groups and commiserated about while they stood in line to drop their kids off in the nursery.
As a woman that longed to be a Mommy for years before seeing my dream come to fruition, I really did not get the Mom-guilt thing. I mean really, they loved their kids, they did the best they could? Seriously, what did they have to feel so guilty about?
When I first became a Mom I didn't get the whole Mom-guilt thing still...and then, teething happened.
Teething happened and is still happening and apparently since my daughter is 9 months old and still has no teeth, this whole teething thing will probably be happening for the next 13 years or so (give or take a few years, ha!).
I'm told every baby reacts differently to teething, some worse than others. Well my sweet angel baby, who is almost always so peaceful and content and happy, has quite the adverse reaction to teething.
And today was one of those adverse reaction kind of days. She skipped two naps and screamed off and on for hours. I took her for a walk thinking she had calmed down because she was quiet. I began reflecting on how peaceful our walk was and how thankful I was that she wasn't in pain anymore. I spun her stroller around planning on giving her happy little self a kiss, only to discover she had been silently crying and crocodile tears were streaming down her hot and bothered cheeks.
Cue the Mom-guilt. Major Mom-guilt. Mom-guilt that you know is totally irrational yet inescapably real and intense.
How could it have taken me so long to realize she was silently crying? Am I that out of tune with her emotions? Why did I think it would be a good idea to take her on a walk? Shouldn't I have considered how hot it was outside? How could I be so selfish to put her in a stroller when she's in distress? Shouldn't I have known carrying her in my arms would have been more soothing to her?
And seriously good Moms out there, you know I could go on and on and on.
Why the Mom-guilt?
Because I love my daughter. I so intensely love her. I wake up every day and pray that the Lord will show me how to love her better that day than yesterday and there's this deep, instinctual part of me that wants to protect her, nurture her, uplift her, and sacrifice for her with every fiber of my being.
Yet her teething pains, and I'm sure one day her scrapped knees and failed math test and mean best friend and lovesick broken heart, serve as reminders to me that no matter how much I love her, no matter how much irrational Mom-guilt I feel over things that are out of my control, I cannot and will not be able to protect her from this world.
The truth is sometimes when I rock my baby girl to sleep at night, tears fill my eyes imagining what hard things in this life she may have to endure.
And that type of uncertainty of her future can fill me with fear and Mom-guilt for ways I may contribute to hard things in her future.
Or that type of uncertainty can fill me with gratitude and wonder. It can fill me with awe that the words of Christ that have rung true in my life will most assuredly ring true in hers.
"I have told you these things so that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
The one thing I know for sure about my daughter's precious life is that it will have trouble. But the other thing I know is that our family serves a God who trumps any trouble that will come her way.
And it is for that reason I can lay down the Mom-guilt and walk her chunky not-so-little 20 pound self two miles home in the hot Florida sun while pushing her stroller and thank God that I am able to participate in comforting her in her troubles. And even more profound than just comforting her in her troubles, ultimately reminding her in some small way that our God is an overcomer.
To all the Mommies out there and all the amazing women that act as Moms to countless people in their lives, you don't have to be perfect. You don't have to feel guilty for not being perfect.
Just keep loving.
Keep comforting.
Keep praying.
Keep laying down the Mom-guilt and remind yourself and your children that ultimately the troubles of this world in all of our lives will be completely overcome.
