A Peace That's Better Than Understanding

Understanding and peace.  SO often we cannot help but think of them synonymously.  After all, how could we really have peace without understanding?  And how could we fully gain understanding and not also have with it peace?

This concept of peace coming along with understanding can be seen in all of us at such a young age.  Think about the last time you spent any length of time with an inquisitive three or four year old.  

What word do so many of their questions begin with? WHY.

Why do I have to eat vegetables?  Why is the sky blue?  Why does your hair look funny?  Why can't I pick my nose?  Why do caterpillars turn into butterflies?

The list could go on and on.

Working full time with three year olds and being an Auntie to many precious little ones out there I can't help but chuckle thinking of most children's responses to our so carefully crafted explanations of life's littlest and biggest questions.

Are they satisfied with our answers and oh so grateful that we have helped them to gain understanding?

Nope.  Not even close.  Their most common next response?

But WHY????

You see, the more you try to explain things, especially to a child, the more you begin to realize how much out there we cannot fully understand.  And the longer we live, inevitably the more questions we build up in our minds that leave us longing for explanations.

God why did you allow that loved one to so tragically die?  Why have you left me with this crippling anxiety for years without relief?  Lord why does everything in my life have to be so much harder than everyone else's?  Why did you allow that person to break my heart?  Why have you answered everyone else's prayers for a baby but left me still with no answers, no explanations, no clearer path to motherhood than when I started this journey years ago?

All of us are prone to this WHY mentality and if we aren't so careful, we can live (and live as if we've already died) on this hill of deserving understanding.  

If there are things in this life we cannot understand and others cannot adequately explain, doesn't that further prove that there is ONE who understands?  

One who is greater than us, wiser than us, and who wants to give us something greater than understanding.

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

Peace.  Peace transcends understanding.  How many times have we read that verse and internally changed it to say "the peace of God which comes with understanding."

No, the type of peace that the Lord gives does not come with understanding.  It TRANSCENDS understanding.  

And are you dying to know what transcend means????

Transcend literally means to be independent of, to be superior to, to exceed in excellence.

Wow.  Read that verse again.  

Your heart and mind...will be guarded by...a peace...that is independent of, superior to and exceeding in excellence of understanding.

Friends understanding is not a bad thing, but it's not ultimately what we need.  I mean when you really dig deep, would it actually give you peace to have all the answers to your questions?  Would it really help you to become more loving, more faithful, more joyful, more humble?

Understanding alone will still leave us empty and searching and lacking.  But peace will not fail us.  WHY?

"But now in Christ Jesus you who formerly were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.  For He Himself is our peace." Ephesians 2:14

Peace will not fail us because Jesus will not fail us.  And He, He Himself, is our peace.

Every twist in the path, every fork in the road, every huge obstacle we hit on this journey to growing our family, I have more questions.  Real, legit questions that are worth asking.

But I don't want to wait until I have understanding to live.  I want to push past understanding and have peace.

Peace that if I never carry a baby in my womb, I will still live a fulfilled and joyful life as a mother.  Peace that if I have to go through medical processes, God will give me the strength.  Peace that if we adopt, God will give us the right words and the right actions to show our children that though there are many things in their lives they may not ever fully understand, that they are thoroughly loved and somehow divinely designed to be ours.

I pray for peace over each one of you.  A peace that exceeds understanding in it's excellence.  A peace that is far superior to explanation.  A peace that is independent of our ability to grasp what God is doing and how He is working.  And most of all, a peace that leads to more of Jesus Christ himself.

An Altar Building Mama: A Letter to My Children

As we have journeyed through these past twenty six months of infertility I am sure it's no coincidence that our church has been going through the life of Abraham and Sarah.  I have been floored how many times God keeps bringing me back this story again and again and again.

I used to think that God kept bringing me back to this story as a "sign" that things were going to work out the way I wanted them too.  Isn't funny how our own selfishness always make us think it's ALWAYS all about us right?

As I was reading the story of Abraham and Sarah's VERY long journey to becoming parents (in case you're unfamiliar with the story, Sarah was in her 90's when she finally became a mom!), I would sometimes get ticked as I was reading it.

God why would you make them wait so long?

Why would you allow Sarah to get so at the end of her rope that she would ASK her husband to sleep with another woman just so she could have some semblance of being a mom after waiting nearly 80 years?

Why did you stay silent for so long before declaring your promise to them that they would indeed one day have a son?

The Lord entertained my questions and skepticism, as He always does so graciously when we are really searching for truth.

He peeled back the layers of my heart and began to show me Abraham and Sarah's journey wasn't all about them.

It wasn't all about Isaac or even all about how Abraham would become the Father of all nations.

No, their journey was all about the Lord.  All about what He was doing, how He could be lifted high, how He could be shone glorious in the mighty thing He was doing.

Throughout Abraham's journey, something stuck out to me.  As Abraham and Sarah journeyed far out from their homeland and had these encounters and experiences with God, Abraham built altars along the way.  We see him do this over and over.

It's as if Abraham knows, even in uncertainty, even in pain, even in unanswered questions, that God is doing something marvelous and he better slow his life down for a moment to worship in the present and to prepare himself to worship in the future.  It's like Abraham's greatest fear was not that God wouldn't show up, but rather that he would forget just how glorious God's appearance had been.

So, in the spirit of building an altar of both present worship and in preparation for the amazing things I know God is going to do, I wanted to share this very personal letter I wrote to my children about six months ago....

My precious sons and daughters,

It has always been my prayer that you would know you were loved, thought of, prayed for, and deeply wanted.  In scripture, men and women often built altars as physical testimonies of all God had faithfully done in their lives.  This journal [and now this blog :) ] is going to be my altar to the Lord and a forever testimony to you of the faithfulness of Jesus in your lives even before you were born.  When your Dad and I first began this journey of feeling like it was time for you to come, I thought you would come about the way I had seen many other families grow: through a series of followed out plans and a course of natural events.

Now sitting here as the months and years have slowly ticked by since that time, I realize God's plan for your life is so much greater than my plan.

From long before the time you were born, God wanted you and I and your Dad and many, many others to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that every aspect of your life would be full of divinity and purpose, persistence and strength, sacrifice and grace, and deep, beautiful, extravagant, eternal love.

Even as I sit here and pour out my heart to you and to the Lord, I do not know how long it will be until I hold you in my arms, until I kiss your chubby cheeks, until I stare into your eyes and marvel again and again how something so precious could possibly be entrusted into my care....

But, I do know that until that day and all the days to come after that, God himself WILL be my strength and my song, my shield and my treasure, sustaining me and teaching me how to be the Mom that He intends for me to be.

I want you to know your Dad and I have been held up by the prayers of an incredible community of family and friends.  They too have loved you since before you were knit together by the hands of God and I KNOW once the Lord has brought you into our lives there will be a seriously long line to kiss your face and hug your neck and praise Jesus for your precious life.

And in the end, it will all be a testimony, as every part of our lives is, of our God who makes broken things whole and turns total ashes into great beauty that no one can deny is straight from the Lord.

I have always loved you my child and I always, always, always will.

Love.....Your Mommy.

Go my friends and build your altars of praise.  Keep good record, even of the struggles, because we serve a God that somehow in the end WILL make all things new.  We will see His goodness in the land of the living.

And we have so many reasons to worship him, both in the present...and in the future...

Dream a Dream for the One You Love

Some people say that you can tell a lot about what a person is going through by their dreams.  They say dreams are emotions and wishes suppressed deep into our subconsciousness and let out in sometimes strange ways when we sleep.

I don't know how much thought I ever put into my dreams until we began trying to have a baby.  It's funny/totally psychotic the way you start to analyze everything about your body and it's patterns when you're yearning for a little one.  I can't recall how many dreams I used to remember when I would wake up prior to this season of life, but I can tell you these past two years I have remembered way more dreams than I want to.  And most of these dreams are these vague memories when I wake up, but sometimes in the morning even those vague memories of bad dreams haunt me and leave me with this feeling of darkness and lost hope.

Have you ever been in that place?  That place of despair, but you're not even totally sure why you're despairing?  That place of longing, but you're not even sure who or what you're longing for?

We all land in those places at times...those pits of despair...those moments in life where you feel like if there was a way out, you're so worn by fighting the fight of faith and emotions and sin you wouldn't even know how to take it..

As my husband and I have been fighting this fight for growing our family, wrestling with the Lord at each turn to decide what to do next and how to proceed, there have been many occasions where I felt like I couldn't take another step towards this journey into motherhood because I couldn't even dream of my children any more.

Time and time again in the Bible we see this concept of God's people entering pits of despair, sometimes by their own doing and sometimes by the circumstances surrounding them.  The saints of old, after all, are first and foremost broken, sinful human beings being transformed by a Redeeming God, just like you and I.

As I think upon my own wearing journey and many surrounding me carrying even weightier loads, I am reminded of Moses and the Israelites.  During their wanderings in the desert, it's safe to say that between all the running and complaining and arguing and warring with enemies, Moses was pretty worn from his journey to the promised land long before it really began.

In Exodus chapter 17, we come upon this wearied Moses and the Israelites facing another attack, this time from the Amalekites.  Moses delegates the fighting to Joshua and his men, and together with Aaron and Hur goes to the top of the hill to hold the staff of God up high in his hands, as if to ask for the Lord's favor in the battle.

"As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning." Exodus 17:11

Talk about having the weight of the world in your hands?!  Moses was tired!  He was frustrated, anxious, maybe even a little depressed.  And on top of his hands simply being tired, listen to what scripture says.

"But Moses' hands were heavy." Exodus 17:12a

HEAVY.  Man that word hits us.  

My heart sinks as I hear that word and think of what heartaches may come to mind when the weight of that word hits us.

I can't help but wonder if Moses was looking to the Lord even as he struggled to hold that staff up and questioning as we often do, "God seriously, another battle?  Can't you see how tired and worn and broken I am?  Lord don't you know, I absolutely CANNOT fight this fight another day?"

Well, the Lord SAW Moses in his brokenness just as he sees each one of us.  He looked at Moses and saw him through his eyes of weighty mercy. 

Did he simply take away the battle before him?

No. 

He did better. 

"Then [Aaron and Hur] took a stone and put it under [Moses] and he sat on it; and Aaron and Hur supported his hands, one on one side and one on the other." Exodus 17:12b

I cannot type those words out without my heart pounding and tears welling up in my eyes. 

What a merciful God! 

Jesus reached down to Moses in his anguish and exhaustion and literally held up Moses' hands himself through the hands of Aaron and Hur.  Such a humbling experience for Moses and a divine blessing to Aaron and Hur. 

As I reflect on this journey of infertility and my difficulty even imagining myself as a mother anymore, I realize God has not taken away my battle and just answered my prayer by quickly allowing me to become pregnant or making all the finances and paperwork for adoption work out.

No. 

He has done better.

In his weighty mercy and most undeserving grace, He has continued to free me from myself and surrounded me with literally over a thousand Aarons and Hurs. 

My husband, my family, my precious friends, and now even readers of my humble little blog, have so graciously surrounded me and held up my hands. 

And even though I'm still having a hard time dreaming of my children, the beautiful thing is now others are dreaming for me.

Literally, dreaming a dream for me and my husband Cory and our future family.  Texting me, calling me, emailing me, showing up to my home, inviting me to theirs, hugging me with tears welling up in their eyes, sharing their current struggles in life now with me, and so sincerely reminding me that Jesus is going to make something SO beautiful out of this struggle.  And even when I'm not confident of this, they are!

I am so humbled by their love, by their giving of themselves and sacrificing even their dream lives for the children I have always loved and now they love before they were even knit together in a womb.

What dreams have you stopped dreaming? 

Or who has God placed in your life that you know is in a pit of despair? 

Would you dare to pray that Jesus would allow you to dream for them?  That God would reach down and allow you with His strength to hold up their tired hands? 

While Aaron and Hur coming alongside Moses to hold up his hands was a beautiful display of love, their love was only a small reflection of the One coming who would give it all for an undeserving people.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." John 15:13

Maybe God has made it hard for you to hope so that you will begin to reach out and realize your desperate need to wrestle with his living hope WITH others.  We were NEVER meant to do life alone.  The sooner we can step out in faith and let others in, the sooner we can slowly, steadily see the real victory of knowing Jesus, the one who lay down his life for us, more and more.

"Thus [Moses'] hands were steady until the setting of the sun." Exodus 17:12c

Steady my friends.

Though your hands are heavy and tired, you are dearly loved.  

Hold your hands up high and expect Jesus to show up through His people and bear the weight of the battle.  

Oh, and when the sun sets on your battle, get pumped because you're going to have a whole lot of people gloriously sharing in that impending victory...